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by Unicornsfartglitter



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Caring Negan, Fluff, Grief, M/M, Sadness, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 13:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicornsfartglitter/pseuds/Unicornsfartglitter
Summary: Rick has it all planned out, tonight he will end it but then Negan comes home early.





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**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: heavy suicidal thoughts.
> 
> *This fic has been written since probably Carl died. I’m only sharing bc TWD fics have dipped to 0. I’m probably gonna regret this...

It had been too much. Killing his best friend, Lori dying without a body to bury. Losing too many friends then Carl dying. He held on, his family needed him, no one wanted to be the leader including him but he had to step up. Still they doubted his moves, didn’t understand why he didn’t want to gamble more lives and finally he agreed. Standing down wasn’t an option and they persevered. Negan stayed locked up, damn he talked all the time, was still cocky, running his mouth behind iron bars, his perfect teeth being ran across by a smooth pink tongue. Rick wanted to slam his head across those bars, mess up his pretty face but he didn’t because he was an example.

Time changed circumstances, suddenly Negan eased into casual conversation that lacked that brazen attitude of his. He talked about Lucille and being a baseball coach, Rick laughed until he cried at that. Trying to imagine Negan who murdered with no conscience teaching kids. The next enemy came and Negan helped, he saw a different side of him and so did everyone else. Now Negan walked around free and helped the elderly change damn lightbulbs. He started to talk in his annoying way again, flirt with anyone who had legs including Rick. Every come on had Rick laughing but when he looked Negan’s way he wasn’t laughing with him, his eyes swept up from Rick’s boots to his curly hair and he shivered.

It didn't matter today though because Rick was tired. Carl had been dead seven years, Michonne had dumped him that long ago. He was tired and seeing Daryl get bit was the final straw. Losing the second best friend in life and because of this damn apocalypse, it made him feel haggard. Rick shook his head and slumped down on the sofa. Today he tried, tried living without Daryl, hid his crossbow in the closet so it wouldn’t taunt him, cleared away all Daryl's things to keep the reminder of him away and it still tormented his mind. It was pathetic trying to keep what was left of Daryl away because it was all that was left of him. HIs pain didn’t ease but intensified at the shame of hiding the last remnants of his best friend.

Michonne was still Judith’s mother, Carol came to Alexandria a lot. Judith would be fine he reasoned. Stumbling to the bathroom he drew a bath, felt the inviting warmth of the water flowing onto his hands. It felt easy and he exhaled, not even crying as the tub filled with water. When it was filled to the brim he turned off the faucet and went downstairs. He sat on the couch, the one where Michonne and him had their first kiss and picked up Daryl's hunting knife on the coffee table. It was heavy and still sharp, he closed his eyes remembering Daryl sharpening it just days ago on the porch laughing when Rick woke up way after him and joined him on the porch with unruly curls still unwashed.

Running a finger across the tip he didn’t hiss at the sharp edge of the knife cutting into his thumb. The sting made him think of Daryl too, of the unexplained cuts and cigarette burns he never questioned on his friends skin. Only one thing didn’t feel right about what he was about to do and that was his daughter, she wouldn’t understand. He was weak he knew but the thought of her being next or Carol, Maggie, Michonne, he couldn't handle that so better to get it over with because he would surely not be the next to go if he didn’t do this right now.

The door slammed open and he knew those heavy steps by now, he put the knife down wiping the blood from the metal quickly. Negan sat down next to him, shoulders too close to his and settled into the sofa like most nights.

“Well shit! It’s been a long fucking day.”

Rick sucked in a breath, trying to stay calm and not annoyed shaking his head with an energized nod, it was fake but Negan wouldn’t notice.“Yeah.”

Negan’s dirty boot slammed on his table and he cringed, he hated that Negan always did that and ignored his protests. “What did you make me to eat?”

“Nothing. You have hands, make your own.”

“Hand.” Negan corrected waving his gloved and mangled up hand in Rick’s face proudly.

“Well that one still works.”

Negan threw his head back and chuckled. 

Straightening up Negan leaned over Rick to grab Daryl's knife, it scraped across the table and Rick felt fear then exhaled, Negan didn’t know a thing. 

“Shame. I thought he would outlive us all.”

“Yeah.” Rick shuddered.

“I thought I could warp him, make him one of mine and come to find out he was a good ‘ole boy. Better than you Sheriff.”

“Deputy.”

“Whatever, doesn’t mean shit now.” Negan sighed and slid the knife into his sheath, he didn’t want Daryl’s knife. Maybe Judith would want it later, he just knew it didn’t need to be here, something told him that.

“What do you want?”

“I live here.” Negan reminded him and untied his boots leaving them on the floor, not at the door like everyone else. “And I’m hungry.”

Rick tuned him out when he went to the kitchen and heated up leftovers. Negan was worried about him but would never tell him that. Two piping hot plates of food later he cringed when he went to the living room and saw Rick staring out vacantly at the fireplace.

“Dinners ready.”

“Not hungry.” 

Negan was shocked he heard him in his trance. “Though shit.”

Rick scowled when he dragged him by his arm and practically threw him into a chair, whenever he stopped chewing Negan kicked is foot and stared at him so he kept shoving in food. Once his plate was clean he stared at his hands running a finger across his fresh cut.

“Judith will be here in ten minutes.”

“I told Michonne to keep her.” Rick didn’t look up from his plate as he spoke

‘Numb.’ Negan thought..

Negan knew that already, found it suspicious. “I don't care, I told her to bring Judith home at nine.”

“She’s my daughter.” Rick stood and cocked his head ready to give him some lame ass excuse as to why Judith wasn’t home right now.

“And?” Negan bit back his retort of was Rick really sure it was his daughter, today wasn’t the day and he wasn’t quite that type of asshole these days.

“I wanted her to stay there.”

“Any reason for that Ricky?”

The soft tone caught Rick and he hiccuped back a cry. He had nothing and wanted to punch Negan, maybe that would help him. 

“I’m tired.” He settled for. Everyone knew he didn't sleep much these days.

“I know.” Negan patted his shoulder sympathetically.

“I just meant I need sleep.” Rick tried to explain.

“No.” Negan crossed his arms. “You meant you're really tired but Judith needs you.”

Rick wanted to say “What do you mean?” “Of course she does.” Or “I know that.” 

He stood up and what came out instead was a strangled sob. Negan’s body rose quickly and pressed against his, held him tight and Rick let out a laugh when his ex enemy started to sway them back and forth. “Daryl meant a lot but he’s just one person. Hell Johnny didn’t mean shit to you one year ago.”

Johnny was their newest civilian, everyone didn’t want to get close. Losing so many over the years made that a natural reaction but he reminded Rick of Glenn, he was innocent and sort of timid, kinder than most. Only difference was he loved to tell corny jokes and some actually made you laugh. He knew what Negan was hinting at, even if he lost some more of his originals more would come along and mean something to him even if he tried to make them not.

“I miss Carl.” 

“We all do but Judith would miss you.”

“I don’t know what youre hinting at, you’ve said lots of weird stuff tonight.” Rick mumbled.

Negan didn’t know a thing, was just running his mouth.

“Well I’ve been told once or twice I can be weird.” Negan replied with a fake smirk.

The doorbell rang. 

“You better get that Ricky.”

Rick walked to the door, wiped the tears from his eyes. Michonne was smiling, that broad smile she wore more these days. Judith was taller than Carl at this age and she ran to him and hugged him like she hadn’t seen him at lunch.

“I’m glad Negan sent me home. I want to be here.” 

Judith’s eyes glistened and he saw her fiddle with the bracelet Uncle Daryl made her out of twined leather. She missed him too he realized, he knew Daryl a long time but everyone was grieving just as much.

Negan came to the door and gave Michonne a thumbs up, she kissed Rick’s cheek and told Judith goodbye.

“Daddy can you read me a story?”

Rick hadn’t read to her in so long. “Sure honey.”

They walked upstairs. He could tell Judith was sad and trying not to cry, she told him about making a cat figurine with Michonne out of clay. He heard Negan’s steps behind him. Judith led him to her bedroom and she flopped onto her bed pulling out a book from under her pillow.

Smiling faintly Rick opened it up and sat down and started to read while Judith tucked herself under the covers. The door was cracked open and he saw the figure of Negan walking into the bathroom, the one he filled with water that was surely ice cold by now.

Rick kept reading, keeping his tone neutral despite knowing Negan had frozen still at the full tub. His feet were heavy when he moved again and he leaned across the door frame. Negan was watching him read and he ignored him, forcing himself to read each word correctly as Judith laid down clueless.

“Well fuck Ricky! If I had known you drew me a bath I would have rushed upstairs.” Negan screamed out loudly and he looked up at piercing eyes.

Then Rick ignored him and started to read once more, Negan started cursing around Judith again about a year ago and Rick gave up on correcting him. Rick stopped reading when Negan walked up to him and towered over him.

“I’ll be seeing you tonight.” A deformed hand brushed across his cheek too softly.

Rick’s breath hitched and he felt out of place, baffled by what Negan meant and why he touched his face though he did that sometimes. He jerked his head back and spat when what was left of a finger slipped into his mouth.

Judith laughed and Rick slapped his arm making Negan laugh too before the ex Saviot winked at him.

He didn't start reading again, just watched as Negan walked back to the bathroom and he was curious to know if Negan really meant to show him his ass as he pulled off his jeans sans boxers before he closed the door. He couldn’t be mad, Judith couldn’t see it from her angle. Rick started to read again and tried not to think of the choice he almost made.

Negan yanked on the chain and watched the water drain, Rick might not like it but tonight they would be sharing a bed and God only knew for how long.

“You don’t know it Ricky but you got me through some tough shit, I guess it’s time I return the favor.” He whispered into the room, plans to help his crush consumed his mind as he turned on the shower.


End file.
